Binge in the time of Corona - The Coen Brothers 👎

Why waste time on a pointless, self-indulgent or annoying movie? I’ve watched these and I am here to say, save your time, I was not happier after subjecting myself to these movies and neither will you. If you are tempted to add one of these to the binge you have only ourself to blame:

True Grit (2010)

I was excited about this one. A gritty western about a little girl hiring a retired gunslinger to avenge her father’s murder? From the makers of No Country for Old Men? With the Dude, Lewalen Moss and Jason Borne? Where do I sign?!? And then I saw it. Dusty people shoot slowly at other dusty people until some conclusion happens. Give it a shot if you’re a western fan, otherwise, Jeff Bridges accent is like listening to a bear trying to do Shakespeare.

Hail, Caesar! (2016)

What the hell was that? Even for a free-flowing picturesque narrative of Hollywood’s heyday this an acid trip in Cthulhu’s sex dungeon. I watched this movie twice to decipher it and I can’t summarize it coherently beyond communists ransom a movie star and then stuff happens. Channing Tatum was tap dancing with sailors, Scarlet Johansson was a mermaid, there was a Soviet submarine with a dog and Josh Brolin was so grizzled you could put your hand on the screen and get a pedicure. Here’s the best part of the movie, Josh Brolin repeatedly smacking George Clooney around in roman armor. There, I have just saved you an hour and 46 minutes, go cure cancer.

The Ladykillers (2004)

What if Ocean’s 11 was really racist and super-preachy? It would be better than this. A crew of thieves breaks into a casino’s vault by digging a tunnel from the basement of an old black Christian lady. The lady goes to church a billion times, catches the thieves, God kills all the thieves when they refuse to give back the money, the lady donates the money to God, the end. Every minority character is a racist stereotype and the overall message is ”Y’all need Jesus” in the most condescending way. Tom Hank’s character is the most grating as it feels like whoever wrote it actually cared and thought this performance could lift the movie, not realizing that if the main villain is knocked out by a cat one minute into his screen time, he is not scary. The rest is just an endless slog through God yay, crime boo. On the off chance the movie is right about God I will conclude by hoping my crucifixion of the movie lands me in hell away from these one-dimensional saints and stereotypes.

The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)

Pointless and hopeless. A passive barber is unhappy and tried to extort money to start a business. He does one thing to improve his life, 4 people die, 1 person becomes an alcoholic and the bank ends up owning the barbershop. It really seems like the message of the movie is “work, pay your bills and shut up”, an endorsement of the life of quiet desperation, which is what movies are supposed to be an escape from. So, in essence, this is an anti-movie, but even that novelty doesn’t mitigate the pointless boredom.

Fargo (1996)

A failed attempt at a crime drama that falls flat on the mundanity of it all. A man desperate of money hires criminals to kidnap his wife to extort a ransom from his wealthy father-in-law. The whole thing goes sideways as the law takes notice and the bodies pile up, simple premise, how do you mess it up? By making everybody an extra from a RomCom about a big city girl going to the country and falling in love with some earnest, kind and hard-working dope. It’s like the extras of New in Town were running a murder investigation and they cut out the love story. There’s a difference between relatable and boring and the line is crossed when the only sound recollection I have from an hour and a half of boring snow is Steve Buscemi getting fed into a woodchipper. You know those movies that are saved by one interesting scene? This isn’t one of them.

Blood Simple (1984)

The first Coen Brothers movie I saw, and after that it’s a wonder I saw any others. A love triangle turns bloody. A solid base for a horror b-movie, all the movie needs to do is characterize the walking soon-to-be-dead in a distinct way and make me care as the. Oh well, better luck next time.

Horror b-movies are simple, one-dimensional annoying characters and one slightly likable character, scary killer/monster, at least one creative kill. The audience enjoys the deaths of the annoying characters and the tension build to the showdown between the slightly likable character and the killer. But if all the characters have zero dimensions, the killer kills for no reason and all the death are boring, I simply don’t care. I congratulate the Coens for making a deliberate attempt to alienate the audience and succeeding so thoroughly, but they still charged me money for this bollock. There’s one memorable scene of a grave pulsing and screaming, well done, I can’t wait for it to be in a movie with the lofty ambition of engaging the audience.

Burn After Reading (2008)

The Coens continue the proud tradition of Fargo and Blood simple of loathsome characters and convoluted BS plot that goes nowhere and is really proud of itself for wasting your time. Pointless and cringy does not do it justice, two personal trainers find a CIA analyst notes for a memoir and try to extort him with the info to pay for the female trainer’s plastic surgery. Bored already? Good, you were just saved 96 minutes of alternating you hatred between George Clooney, Frances McDormand, and Brad Pitt as you attempt to chew your own neck off. The jokes are flat, the dialogue is bad, the delivery is worse, the pacing is glacial and the message is "boy, isn't life a little bit odd sometimes". Stare at any wall for a better time, there are no circumstances under which anyone should willingly watch something this boring.